We’ve made it from day 31, to day 13. Incredibly – or maybe inevitably – whilst there’s still chaos going on around me, things don’t feel back to front anymore.

It’s a strange feeling. I don’t have any sense of clarity about which way is ‘forward’ or what any path forward even looks like. Now that I’m thinking about it, this does seem like a ‘problem’ that requires ‘resolution’. But I feel no sense of urgency. I feel peaceful. I imagine this is somewhat resemblant of the experience of a Zen buddhist finding a mindless state in the midst of havoc.

Though I’ve found huge appeal in the Zen tradition, I’m not sure whether I consider this a desirable state. It certainly feels good. My mind is quiet. And if all we have in any moment is our minds, as Sam Harris and many others tells us, and if the state of our mind dictates the quality of our experience, then perhaps that’s where the inquiry ends.

But I do wonder also whether this is a function of exhaustion, due to over-exertion, and subsequent system shutdown. Thirty years of evidence suggests that the only way for me to access this restful state is by exerting myself to the point of burnout; whether physically, emotionally or spiritually. Surely that is neither sustainable, nor desirable. And what’s more, if this is just a product of exhaustion, wouldn’t a dopamine fuelled drive to push forwards be preferable? Possibly, this depends on the direction in which we’re intending to move.

Maybe this is the incredibly intelligent force of homeostasis at play, forcing me to pause before choosing which branch of the ‘decision tree’ to take.

This all seems tied to the ever present battle – or so it seems – between ambition and gratitude, of which my understanding has not deepened. So I’m reflecting on the words of Thomas Merton;

“Finally I am coming to the conclusion that my highest ambition is to be what I already am. That I will never fulfil my obligation to surpass myself unless I first accept myself – and if I accept myself fully in the right way I will already have surpassed myself.”

I can’t say I understand what he’s conveying here, but he seems to have landed on something worth considering.