“We experience states of self. And how we feel as selves seems to vary remarkably depending on the context.” Sam Harris

Moments like these are tough. The fight-or-flight response is triggered, I can feel the adrenaline; skin tingling, heart rate elevated, mind racing. And yet somehow I’m able to see that this is all a response to the events that are unfolding before me.

Nothing has changed materially in the last few moments. I read an email from a colleague requesting a call with me, decided that there must be some terrible ‘threat’ ahead – I must have done something wrong, or perhaps my complete inadequacy had finally come to the attention of others – and hence responded accordingly.

But is there any use in perceiving everything as a threat? What toll must this constant catastrophic thinking have taken on my mind and body?

After writing this, I was overcome with exhaustion, which was more than likely induced by the anticipation of what was to come. After an hour’s sleep, I woke up feeling like my body was failing, and had to fight hard to continue with the work I had ahead for the afternoon; including a call with the same colleague who had emailed earlier, which, almost certainly was going to be career ending.

To my astonishment, the call was to offer support and to give me some words of encouragement and motivation. Now this isn’t always the case, sometimes when we think something is going to be bad, it genuinely is. And however much evidence I have that things are never as bad as I predict they are going to be, this doesn’t give me any comfort when I’m presented with a new ‘threat’.

So what can I do to avoid the same debilitation and paralysis as a result of such perceived threats that will inevitably appear more and more as I dare to succeed?

If we look further into Sam Harris’ exploration of ‘The Social Self’ we know from our own experience, exactly what he is talking about when he explains having two very different conversations in a short span of time, and that “who I was in those conversations, seemed to be governed by my sense of how the other person saw me. Really how I imagined the other person saw me.

He goes on to say that “we’re all in this situation, generally. We all have encounters with people that seem to destabilise us. Where we don’t feel we have access to our full capacities as human beings, to our best selves. So many encounters with other people are less than satisfying. And what makes them less satisfying is generally the degree to which we encumbered by neurotic self-concern.” Sam says that “the role of mindfulness isn’t to prevent negative states of mind from ever arising. You should go into these situations absolutely knowing that you will feel negative states of mind; self judgement, self doubt, annoyance, anxiety.” He offers the following prescription;

“Go in like you’re playing a video game. You absolutely know that certain challenges are going to appear on this level of the game. And this is the level of negative emotion. So simply feel them, and then let them go. Don’t act on them. Don’t inscribe them in your life by saying something totally counterproductive. Let these states of mind wash over you. If that’s too hard just let one of them wash over you. In your next social situation just become interested in noticing one negative emotion and not doing anything with it. Just let it arise and pass away. And when things get bad it’s helpful to remember that the people you’re dealing with are suffering. Almost everyone you meet is practically drowning in self concern. Just look at them, listen to them. They’re broadcasting their own self-doubt, and anxiety, and disappointment. They’re worried about what others think of them. If you get out of yourself for a moment, if you can just take a step back from feeling implicated in what’s happening around you, you will generally see that you are surrounded by a carnival of human frailty. So compassion is available, we are all on the Titanic together. This might sound depressing, but the flip side is also true. This brief life together is a beautiful miracle. This is the only circumstance that exists to be enjoyed. Whatever is true out of the cosmos this is it for us. And wherever you are, whatever circumstance you find yourself in, however strained the conversation, this is the only life you have, in this moment. And you might as well enjoy it.”

For me this solution is almost perfect, it lacks but one thing – how do we enjoy life in these moments, when it’s hard to connect with the things that bring us joy? There are a number of things that bring us joy when there is no perceived threat in front of us – cars, clothes, sex, food – pick your poison. But at times like these it’s hard to find joy in the material world. I think the only way we pull ourselves out of the misery, and into joy is to look for what is real, to look for love.

Fortunately today, as is true of many recent days, I didn’t even have to look, love was right there in front of me. Maybe that’s why so many of us spend so many years searching, longing, breaking ourselves in half, all to find ‘the one’. Because we know deep down – even if we haven’t yet experienced it in this life – that once we find it we will never have to look again.

I can affirm that in the midst of negative emotion, love heals. Not that affirmation is required – those who know, or have known love, know this to be true – and those who haven’t are still searching and will never know the truth of this until they experience it for themselves. It isn’t that love takes away the anxiety, the fear, or the self consciousness and all that comes with it. Rather, it reminds us that none of it really matters. Not because love is the only thing that matters in this material realm; but because in the presence of love we are capable of doing whatever is needed to survive.